Stalker Gets His Sorry Ass Into Therapy
by The Winged Pyro That Drowned
Summary: Written as partial crack because of a thread on the Warframe wiki. Stalker encounters FabulouslySassy!Volt and suffers the consequences. May or may not be a multishot depending on reception.
1. Chapter 1: FABULOUS

**Written as a crackfic prompt from the Warframe Wiki Forums because I was bored. Enjoy and lemme know if you want MOAR insanity!**

**~Pyro the ThunderMirage**

-.-.-.-

**Stalker's "Epiphany"**

-.-.-.-

The lights flickered as the Volt-wearer sped through the Corpus hammership. A voice, dark, tortured, whispered like smoke, flickered like the lighting.

"Some have walked these desolate worlds while you have slept. Some like me. I remember what you did. I remember the day." It said, several lighting strips exploding as the Volt ran past.

"The Tenno appeared at the Terminus, gleaming and victorious. Our cold and gold Emperors, breathless, bathed you in savior's silk. Then came the sound. Across all our worlds, all at once, the ceremonial Naga drums. A royal salute to the honored Tenno. Ten solemn beats to declare the suffering was over. I watched from a distance, with the rest of the low Guardians. With each beat terror began to crush my throat. The Tenno were not stoic and silent. They were waiting. They were poised. I tried to call out but only a strangled whisper escaped." it recalled, the voice sounding like the sharpening of blades.

"When the ninth beat rang a torrent of blood filled the stadium, loosed by Tenno blades. The drums, the Empire, fell silent forever." the smoky voice was angry now. It slowly solidified into a recognisable voice, filled with hurt and rage.

"Now I hunt, dividing your numbers. Watching from that dark place, cataloguing your sins, I am the ghost of retribution. You may forget but you are not innocent." it finished, the lights flickered dark. The Volt could see the grey smoke form appear in the corner. It rose, a scythe in it's grip.

_Stalker._

"The blood of the Phorid is on your hands." it's many whispers seemed to scream at him. "Did you really think there would be no repercussions?"

"Actually, yeah." The Volt said, angrily, crossing his arms and holding his fabulous ground. "Dude, do you even know _why_ the Tenno killed the Orokin?" he asked.

The Stalker paused. It… did not know. It had simply assumed they had killed their former masters in cold blood, and had continued since, even after the Cryosleep. "... I do not…" the whispers returned, flooding the room, coming from all directions and yet none.

"Well… Uhh… they were dicks."

Stalker raised his scythe.

"They unleashed the Technocyte plague on innocent colonies just to see if it worked right!" Volt yelled, pacing at a speed most would consider sprinting. "Dude, Shrooms went out of style with the Infested like two hundred years ago! You need _rehab._"

Stalker paused. Then, lower it's scythe, it gazed at the floor solemnly.

"And gimmie your damn weapons before you hurt someone who's trying to save innocent lives." the Volt demanded, holding out his hand expectantly.

The Stalker hissed, _clinging_ his weapons close. "No!" the whispers yelled.

"Fine but I'll be watching you." Volt's eyes narrowed. "If you aren't in rehab by ten o'clock tomorrow, which is in about eighteen hours, I will find you and I will drag your smoking hot ass into a mental hospital!"

Stalker made a sad face.

-.-.-.-

**Please, review :D **

**(Protip: the characters list WILL appear in Stalker's Therapy Sessions should more chapters be a popular idea)**


	2. Chapter 2: Admission

**Because one day I want to give that cover pic a backstory. (pic taken from the "I need a holiday" sequel picture "Well that was refreshing, now BACK TO WORK" before I could find out the artist to give proper credit for the picture. CREDIT TO THE ARTIST (_NOT ME_) FOR THE WONDERFUL PICTURE WHICH I ONLY CROPPED STALKER FROM)**

**~Pyro the ThunderMirage**

-.-.-.-

**Chapter Two: Admission**

-.-.-.-

Stalker looked at the business card the Volt (a smartass of a fellow called Alectrius) had given it. "Councillor Vay Hek's Home For The Mentally Insane and Mostly Curable Neuros!".

It didn't like this at all. For a start, it was on a stolen- (_bought completely legit!-_ according to the brochure…) Corpus Executive Cruiser. And not the combat kind of cruiser, the _holiday_ kind of cruiser. The ones that had the artificial beaches and sunlight projectors. Stalker couldn't believe anyone would actually try to recreate that kind of natural environment on a starship and manage to get it done so _well_.

"Hello, sir! One of our associates has advised me that you are here for admission." a standard Corpus boxheaded Crewman waved Stalker down. He wore a white suit that had clearly been painted over with crayons and assorted colouring devices multiple times.

Stalker meekly- _meekly?! What am I? A lowly Tenno? No! I! Am! The STALKER!-_ Stalker picked itself up and strode confidently towards the boxhead, slapping the business card on the desk. "I am here for treatment," it's whispers told the attendant coldly, as though he were Stalker's next target.

"Brilliant! Please sign here- and here- and that'll be fifty-thousand credits, please."

Stalker froze. "What?" it's whispers asked with deadly malice. "Why do I have to pay to admit myself to a _mental hospital_?"

The boxhead _laughed_. "Oh, the fee is actually ten-thousand credits. We ask that so we know who to admit to the serious care wards." he explained, completely ignoring the fact that a heavily armed possibly-Tenno warrior was very angry and less than two meters away from him.

Stalker hissed. Did it even have money?

"I realise that by simply being here, you may not be fully capable of day-to-day life among common societies. Of which there are many kinds," the boxhead added that last bit as an afterthought. "If you want, I can check your account and guide you through the payment process!"

"Fine…" Stalker's shoulders sagged. It really did not like where this was going.

"Just one moment… HOLY PROFIT!" the Corpus yelled, jumping back from the console. "You have more credits than Frohd Bek!" he exclaimed in surprise. "By the great Capital… you might just have more credits than the entire Board _combined!_ Just what do you _do_ for a living?!"

Stalker shrugged. "I kill Tenno."

"... Right this way, sir," the Crewman directed Stalker down the hall, suddenly much less exuberant now that he knew exactly who this client was. "We believe in open healing, meaning that if you require a room, it will be quite spartan. We like to encourage our clients to be positive and social with other clients to promote progress. Please, enjoy your stay. Oh and NO PEEING IN THE POOL!"

Stalker recoiled at that last statement. _Those… those MONSTERS!_

-.-.-.-

**Therapy shall include Ruk's pyromania, Lotus's "It's the Grineer" obsession, and Vay Hek's counselling**

**Expect Chaos**

**And please review! Lemme know what other crazy things you'd like to see in Rehab :P Vauban's pokeball obsession? Rhino's stereotypical stupidity? Saryn's gas problems? (other things I can't think of right now)? **

**~Pryo **


	3. Chapter 3: IT'S THE GRINEER

**Chapter Three: Rehab**

Stalker hissed at the attendant. "No!"

"Sir, they will be kept in a secure locker until you come to collect them." the boxheaded numbskull repeated.

"But they're _mine!_"

"Sir, please, calm down. We have several clients with violent tendencies and we would prefer if they did not get ahold of any serious weapons."

"Serious weapons?" Stalker asked, confused.

The attendant, whose nametag said 'Carm', turned around and took out a blow-up plastic Fragor. He handed it to Stalker, relieving it of it's weapons while it stared dumbly at the toy. "Go on, hit me with it."

*SQUEAK-ooOOO* the toy Fragor made that funny squeaking sound that rubber childrens toys made, but aside from a glancing impact, Stalker had done no damage to Carm. *sqikoo-sqikoo-sqikoo-sqikoo!*

"Okay, please stop hitting me." Carm asked. "Through that hallway and to your left, you will find the pool and beach area. To the right is the cafeteria and game tables. Straight ahead past that door is the main offices and staff areas. Please only come in if you need something; we don't appreciate 'explorers' in there."

"..." Stalker didn't know what to say. "What about treatment?"

"There will be group sessions held at meal times, and you can organise sessions at any time with a staff member." Carm explained, gesturing randomly. "All we ask is that you do not deliberately cause trouble with other patients in the facility."

Stalker nodded, still holding the squeaky Fragor. It walked down the halls, deciding to visit the beach first.

It was confronted by bright sunlight, and a room almost as large as a grand clan hall, ringed by completely natural beach palms, real sand, and a gradually deepening pool at one end. The thing that haunted it most, though, was the other 'clients' it saw.

Lotus was there, sitting on a beach towel, hiding underneath an umbrella and hugging her legs to her chest. She noticed one of the wardens patrolling the beach, and froze. "Security forces inbound." she said, causing everyone else there to stop what they were doing and look at her, completely silent.

This went on for a whole three minutes.

"It's…" Lotus shuddered like she was about to cry. "IT'S THE GRINEER!" she screamed, falling into sobs. Several Warframes came over and patted her on the back, trying to comfort her.

Stalker decided to approach one of the Tenno, simply to try gauge their reaction. There was a Nyx huddled in the corner, holding some pulsing plate. She hissed at him, clinging the pulsing plate like it was her life. "_Mine!_" she hissed.

Stalker backpedaled, accidentally bumping into a warden. It's questioning gaze must have been very apparent.

"Energy plates; the nerfs hit her hard." the Grineer warden said, shrugging. "She's here to try break her addiction, but it's hard to just quit cold turkey."

-.-.-.-


	4. Chapter Flor-Vor

**Co-Written with TheEternalJester (who has written a fic here in the Warframe archives, go check him out, he's really damn good)**

**~Pyro**

-.-.-.-

**Chapter Four: Something Strange, Something Glowing (Or, The Time Stalker Finally Realises He's Male)**

"But… but… the voices…"

Stalker wasn't quite sure what he was looking at, nor if he believed it. Vor was currently talking to one of the Corpus 'assistants', who was trying to get Vor to take some medicine. That wasn't the strangest thing that was with this scene, as Vor's upper half was connected to his lower half by a glowing light.

"Come on, Vor. What did I tell you about the voices?" The Corpus crewman said, his name being Jark, judging by the nametag, giving Vor a disappointed look evident even with the helmet on.

"But… They're so… nice. They make so much sense!" Vor whined to the crewman.

"Huh. Reminds me of indoctrination." one other crewman said thoughtfully as he walked past with a crate of spent energy plates.

"Please, Vor. The voices are there to hurt you and others." Jark said. He held the cup out with a glass of water for Vor to take.

"Like the Tenno did?" Vor asked, taking the cup and glass.

"Worse. Much worse." Jark replied. Vor gave a scared look, taking the medicine and drinking the glass. "It will help, believe me. Soon, you can go back to working with your mothers."

Vor gave a cheerful look, walking away from Jark, his eyes to the ground.

Stalker actually _stepped aside_ as Vor went past him. _I have to get out of this place… there are Tenno to kill, Tenno to die and hurt as they have hurt him I must-_

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and very nearly tried to decapitate Jark with his squeaky Fragor. "Don't." Jark told him, as if he could read minds. "Believe it or not you've already killed the ones responsible for this iteration of Vor's pain."

Stalker didn't believe him.

"If you want to talk to them, I believe it was a- wait, no, don't go talk to them," Jark amended. "You're the reason they're here. They can't even look at anyone funny without worrying that you'll show up and try to kill them!"

Stalker held his squeaky Fragor close, something foreign twingeing at the back of his mind. He had a horrible suspicion that it was _guilt_. "Okay…" he rasped, hoping to hide what little emotion he had behind his smoke and whispers.

Jark nodded. "Good. Now get to the mess hall, it's taco night!"

-.-.-.-


End file.
